I'm confident.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Melonie and I at her Bachelorette Party in 2008.

Back when I had just gotten off birth control and we had started trying to conceive, I found out that some 'couple friends' of ours that I had gone to high school with, Jake and Melonie, had also started trying. I sent Melonie a quick best wishes and 'baby dust' text and told her that Alex and I were trying as well. Two months ago, she announced that she was pregnant. I don't know why, but I had just assumed that it had come easy for them. It hadn't occurred to me that they could have been trying months before we had talked, which was actually the case. A few days ago, she told me about the miracle that had happened to bring this baby into existence and the struggle that she had gone through.

They had tried to conceive for five months before being referred to a fertility specialist in December, who told her that she would most likely be unable to get pregnant without medical intervention. After talking it over, her husband told her that he wasn't comfortable doing treatment. She was scheduled to come in for testing soon after that, but decided that she didn't want to know what was wrong if they weren't going to take steps to fix it. So she struggled with feelings of resentment, bitterness, and sadness, but prayed through all of that, searching for answers. She stopped taking her temperature, stopped charting, and decided to be done taking tests each month - a few weeks later, she found out she was pregnant.

Obviously, this doesn't happen to everyone. Miracles like this are few and far between, but it did give me confidence. I am confident that my body was created to and is going to bear children. It confirmed what I've been thinking since the beginning, which is that ultimately, I have no control over this. There's only a certain amount of researching and charting that I can do, and there's a fine line between being educated and being unhealthily obsessed. No amount of worrying is going to make it happen any sooner.

So I'm trying my best to just let it be, and I'm consciously trying to take advantage of this time with Alex. As much as I'm looking forward to late night rocking sessions and the sound of little feet running through our house, I know I'll miss our alone time. I'll miss these mornings we spend together, sleeping in until 11 o'clock undisturbed. I'll miss wandering through the aisles of the grocery store together, in no rush, with nothing waiting for us at home. I'll miss being able to pack light on our sporadic hiking trips. I know this stage in our lives is fleeting, and that I'll be looking back to it longingly in a few years. So I'm trying to focus more on soaking up this time with my husband than on all of the things I'm feeling that could possibly be pregnancy symptoms (which will drive you crazy, by the way).

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