I know it hasn't been that long.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I know there are plenty of women that deal with these feelings for much longer, for years rather than months. . .

but I can't help but worry.

We've only been trying since November, and we weren't together two out of those five months, but it feels like it's been so much longer than that. We've been talking about this since June - that may be why.

I've made myself sick with anticipation on more than one occasion in the last few weeks.I want to let go and let it be, just tell myself it will happen when it's supposed to happen and listen, but I can't. I'm a worrier, a planner, and a doer.

I hear numerous stories of women getting pregnant while they're on birth control. I have women tell me, "I got pregnant immediately, so you shouldn't have to wait much longer." It's then that I start to worry. I let this reoccurring thought creep in. 'Will this ever happen or will I have to live with this anticipation, this hope, this emptiness forever?' That's a hard thought to come to terms with and stomach.

I allow myself to ponder on this, and it never fails - I always end up staring at the calendar, frustrated, wishing that day, the day that will change our lives as we know it, was today.

I thought that day had arrived a few months ago, but apparently my body was just on a hiatus. It wasn't just that I had missed my monthly visitor (twice). I took test after test, convinced that they were wrong. 'Maybe it's a false negative. Maybe the entire box was faulty - unlikely, yes, but impossible, no.' For some reason, I felt with every fiber inside of me that it had happened, that I wasn't alone in my body. I felt absolutely silly for being so convinced after I called my doctor and she assured me that the chances of four different tests being wrong would be like winning the lottery. She had no idea how right that analogy was.

I don't even know how I'll react when a test reads positive. I'll probably have to take three more, just to be sure.


  1. I know that you wrote this almost two years ago and that you now have a beautiful little girl, but I can relate to this post all too well. My husband and I have recently started trying to conceive, and it sucks when you see that little visitor. Back in December, My monthly visitor was three days late. I really thought I was pregnant, but all of the tests were negative. I kept telling myself 'Well maybe the hCG levels aren't high enough yet.' And then on the night of the third day, New Years Eve, my monthly visitor came knocking on the door. I know that I have plenty of time to have babies, but the waiting kills you on the inside. Especially when you see all of these other women your age or even younger pregnant and having babies. But your story gives me hope. I know that God will bless me with a beautiful baby (babies) when the time is right, but it's so hard to wait when you want something so badly...

    1. It's been two years, but I still remember every second of the anticipation, waiting and emptiness that I felt, so I can relate to your feelings. I know everyone gives you advice, trying to help, but almost none of it makes you feel any better or is useful. The only advice I have for you that I really hope you take to heart is to make the most of this time with your husband. It's hard to get pregnancy tests and babies off your mind once you want one, but I promise you guys will miss the one on one time when babies do come along. Having another person in our house is so wonderful, but it will never be just Alex and I again and that didn't hit me hard until it was too late. I will be praying for you specifically. There is perfect timing in everything. . . this will be so evident when you're holding a unique little human in your arms thinking, "If I had gotten pregnant just one day sooner, you would be someone else."



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