It will all be worth it in the end.

Monday, May 16, 2011

I've been feeling really discouraged lately. My period still hasn't shown, and tomorrow will be day 60 of my cycle. I've taken two pregnancy tests this month (on the 2nd and the 10th), and both were negative, so I have no explanation. I'm beginning to think I may have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), but I'm not entirely certain. I only have a few of the symptoms - acne (which I've struggled with my entire life, but has gotten worse throughout this entire cycle with no explanation as to why), irregular periods, and infertility. My periods aren't abnormally heavy or painful, and I don't have any of the other common symptoms such as obesity or excess hair growth in abnormal places, but from what I've read, there are many women who have PCOS and are in the same boat. The only definitive symptom is irregular or absent periods - all women with PCOS experience this.

I wish I had paid more attention to my cycles while I was in high school, before I started taking birth control. I feel like birth control is what caused this, but maybe I just want something to blame. I think I was somewhat normal before we started trying to conceive, but I have no way of positively knowing because I didn't pay attention to how long my cycles were back then. Some doctors have said that it can take up to a year for your cycles to return to normal after discontinuing hormonal birth control use, and it's been six months for me. I'm still holding onto hope that this is just my body's way of regulating my hormones after being on birth control, but at the same time, if I am diagnosed with PCOS, I would have an answer. I would know why my body is doing what it's doing. I would have an explanation for why I'm not getting pregnant as quickly as a lot of women do. These thoughts have been weighing on my mind the last few days, and it's just overwhelming. I know that we'll most likely be in for a long and difficult road if I do indeed have PCOS, and I think I speak for all women struggling with infertility when I say I'm tired of this already. I don't want to think about this continuing on for months, maybe years, but. . .

It will all be worth it in the end.

That's what I have to keep telling myself.

"When motherhood becomes the fruit of a deep yearning, not the result of ignorance or accident, its children will become the foundation of a new race."
 - Margaret Sanger


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