Seasons of the Soul • Change

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

This seems like an unrelated picture, but it was taken at a monumental time in my life 
(the Summer before Alex and I got married), in a monumental place (my favorite place in Central Park).

I've been in an adventurous, (probably) irresponsible season of my soul lately and it has felt good, but is exhausting at the same time.

I've dreamt of a city life for as long as I can remember - a cozy apartment with a fire escape, picnics in the park, trips to museums and shows and experiencing the vast array of food. I've found it hard to think about anything else the last few weeks. I've been dropping hints here and there about this dream becoming reality because honestly, I always let my dreams get the best of me. If there is even a hint of a possibility of a change happening I always blow it way out of proportion and start planning and researching and getting more excited than it's ever safe to get. Luckily I haven't been disappointed - yet. Our plans have always come through - granted these are the biggest plans we've had yet, but I'm allowing myself to talk about it vaguely in hopes that I will be able to complete these thoughts at a later date.

I'm equally terrified and inspired at the thought of moving, but I've noticed in past few months that our family needs change. We've found ourselves inching towards the line of 'American dream' status and it terrifies both Alex and I. The toos are strangling us - too much to do, too many things to take care of, too much to pay for, etc.

We need to live differently, if only for a little while. At the very top of our family priority list is experiences over things. We want to immerse ourselves in a new place, a new culture. "I just feel a bit boxed in - a bit trapped," I say to Alex, but I didn't even have to voice my thoughts because they're his thoughts too. He has a hiding poet in him being strangled by a forty hour a week job, so he knows. He always knows.

At times like this our true natures come to the surface. Alex, the practical one, is throwing out worries and talking about budgets, pushing his inner 'F it' mentality down until he can be sure we'll be happy; whereas, I'm the adventurer over here saying 'It will all work out. Let's just go.' In the crevices of my mind I'm actually thinking, "Let's just go before I think of a reason not to." I can't throw caution to the wind as easily as I used to with Evie in tow. She has never slowed us down before - we just bring her along and she is happy to experience a change in the rhythm, but I'm trying to search out what is best for her in the midst of all my desires. Being cramped in a tiny apartment, living off of food stamps doesn't sound like much of a happy childhood, so I want to be sure it doesn't come to that. There's a lot of risks involved in chasing after your dreams, but at what point are the risks not worth it?

In the midst of all of this, I've been wondering why people live where they do? No doubt work, family, and affordability are most people's anchors, but what about when you strip all of that away? Where would you choose to live based on the lifestyle you imagine, rare opportunities, or the simple opportunity to experience something different?

2 comments:

  1. A good thought. I find myself pushing all those thoughts away as in my head there are always so many reasons not to.. But when i see other people moving and experiencing different things i wonder how i could make my life more like that too. I hope you make a decision on a wonderful adventure :)

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  2. I've thought about the whole "where would you live" question a lot myself. It's interesting to think that for many people their only tie to a place is that their family lives there or that they were raised there. For me, those things are incredibly important, but at the same time, I have to love the place - the land itself - that I live in and the community too. We have lived in the same town as Steve's parents and not loved it, and in the same town as my parents and not loved it, and now we have found our own little place that we just love more and more all the time because of what we can get out and do and because of the community and partially, I think, because it's our place. We're the first in either family to live here. Our families are still relatively close (within easy driving distance) and we are happy here, for now. I think your last question is a very important thing people need to ask themselves and I hope you are able to balance out what's best for you and for your family. Because really when it comes down to it, if mamas not happy, no one is :)

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