See you on the other side!

Thursday, December 12, 2013

I was on a blogging roll there for a while, but things have slowed down a bit and gotten quiet around these parts since I announced the move. Fact is, things are just complicated right now, so complicated that I don't even know where to start as far as explaining it all. Sometimes it seems like you announce a dream is coming true like 'Hey universe! I'm going to make this happen!' and the universe just gives you the big middle finger, two middle fingers even. This stuff is hard work, this making dreams a reality stuff. Sometimes I just want to curl up into a ball and stay right here in Albuquerque, New Mexico forever because it's comfortable. It's what Ev has known her whole life. It almost feels like I what I've known my whole life. We've settled into a life nicely here. I've always had the dream of moving to New York City in the back of my mind, but now that it's a reality my mind is FREAKING OUT. It's like, 'hey, what are you going to dream about now?' What if it isn't as great as I've always imagined it would be? Getting approved for an apartment is turning out to be a word I can't share in this family friendly space and I've seriously thought to myself 'We're going to be homeless!' so many times over the last week. Luckily, my sister is away in January, so we'll be staying in her apartment in D.C. and Alex will drive the few hours to base when he needs to, but that's just a temporary solution.

We found water damage in our house so we've had to rip the entire ceiling apart in the living room and put new sheetrock up so we can sell it, Alex's truck broke down (the truck we're trying to sell to pay of our debt before we go), and as I watch our bank account drain I'm just like 'What gives?!' At this rate we aren't going to have anything left by the time we get to New York. But somehow, for some reason, we still want this. I can still picture the light at the end of the tunnel. I still think all of this stress and this headache and these middle fingers from the universe are worth braving because I'm an optimist and I have hope in something, someone that most people don't. I can still picture our family in this beautiful city, living a life we love and I can't let that go. I can't settle for comfortable just because the alternative is unknown. After we finally make it to New York, Alex is going to have to leave for training for five months and I think that's the hardest part for me, that's what keeps me turning around, wondering if we should just stay put. I'm strong. I can make it through months without him, but this little girl is innocent. She is lost without her Papa during the day and when he walks through that door at the end of each day, that's the highlight for her. She won't understand where he is or that he's coming back or how long five months is. No matter how busy I try to keep her and how much fun we have, I know she will always stop and bend over, putting her face up close to mine and say "Papa?" What am I supposed to tell her? My heart will be breaking right along side hers because this man is my every thing, my best friend. Five months is a short period to spend apart from each other compared to what a lot of other military families face. I'm sure a lot of people feel this way, but we're different, we aren't a normal family. It's way too hard for us to be apart.

Anyway, I leave you with all of this whining to basically tell you to hang in there. I'll be back soon, but right now we're just trudging through a lot of crud in our lives and it doesn't leave a lot of time for writing or thinking. I'm going to try to line up a few guest posts so this space isn't completely abandoned as we move over the next few weeks. See you on the other side!


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