A List

Thursday, March 13, 2014

a farmer's market we popped into a few weeks ago

It's been a bit quiet around here. I've come to this space periodically over the past few days and the words just haven't been there. We've all been battling the 'Spring is approaching' sickness that I've come to loathe (we think we've beat the winter sickness at the same time each year and then it sneaks up on us), but like I said yesterday, there's a lot of emotional exhaustion to blame as well. There is so much to be done, so much on hold while we gather the strength to move onto the next stage of our lives, so much to dream about but no energy to act on it; I thought this list would help sort out some of the panicky feelings that have been working their way into our days. I'm so ready to get back to our normal life, but I know that's a long way off - we have yet another move and a job hunt and a deployment to overcome this year before normal settles in for good. I keep telling myself that it will all be worth it, but I still have my doubts.

Creating your own happiness is such a hard concept for me to accept. It's complicated really because it all depends on what perspective you're looking at happiness from - on one side happiness could equal a bigger home, more things to decorate your home, a larger salary, which all sound a bit shallow - or it could be a perfect for your family, but humble apartment that is still outside of what you can afford, a peaceful home atmosphere that would require things you can't afford, and the desire to have money left over after you pay the bills. It's all in how you say it, I guess, but does it really make your desires any different - aren't they still rooted in greed and the desire for comfort? I turn these things over in my head night after night and come to no conclusion. Sometimes I avoid talking about religion here because really, it brings up more questions from me than answers and I don't know many people who just like to ponder and never arrive at a conclusion. I've come to a point in my life where I'm tired of being made to feel guilty for the small things I desire in life. I'm tired of being expected to question my every action and motive and moment in the name of religion. I'm tired of being asked to pour judgement on people in the name of Christ. I didn't intend on rambling on for quite this long when I sat down to write, but it's late and I'm alone with a heavy heart and that seems to make the words pour out. My thoughts are winding down, however, so I'll leave with you with a list, a taking stock of life sort of list. Feel free to join in and post the link below.

making: a scarf for Alex (hoping to finish it before the weather turns warm so he may get a little use out of it this year)
cooking: nothing exciting - the fridge is a bit bare after being gone all weekend
drinking: the last of the echinacea tea
reading: Travels with Charley by Steinbeck and Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids - highly recommend them both
wanting: a coffee shop date with myself and a sketch pad
looking: for our next home
playing: classical music in the car for the past two months because it was the only station we could find when we drove into DC and I've come to love it
wasting: as little as possible, except for the occasional half cup of coffee
sewing: a lot of things in my head like a scrap quilt, curtains, or a doll carrier for Ev, but they'll have to wait
wishing: I could find peace in the valleys, but I've never been good at that
enjoying: this animated, talkative little girl that I wake up to each day - how did that happen so fast?
waiting: for it all to align
liking: the dream. do. discover. course I'm taking
wondering: how people with toddlers even get sick and manage to recover without rest
loving: the blips of Spring weather we've been getting in between the snow storms
hoping: for a lot, but hope is what keeps us all afloat
marveling: at how much the city felt like home for the few days we were there
needing: some routine and rhythm again
smelling: dog breathe - as much as I want to be, I'm just not an animal person
wearing: sweatpants -  I really need to start actually getting dressed every day just because it makes me feel good
following: this blog and this blog and this blog and this blog - I have an eclectic taste in daily entertainment
noticing: little things that bring me joy each day or at least I'm trying to
knowing: that it will all work out
thinking: too much
feeling: too much
bookmarking: apartment ideas - getting ahead of myself like I always do
opening: a package from my Dad for Ev that had a purple polka dotted mouse in it - she has named it 'Pizza'
laughing: with my husband and it feels good
feeling: a little overwhelmed, but I'm moving past it

2 comments:

  1. Sorry you're going through a rough patch emotionally. Transitions are so hard even when they're part of moving in the right direction. I think on top of everything this is just a hard time of year too when everyone is itching for spring/summer but it's not quite here. Melancholy. I've been so full of it lately, especially late at night when I can't sleep. Hang in there, days are passing and things will get better, even if it feels so slow!

    PS thanks for including my blog in your reading list :)

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    Replies
    1. I'm a big believer in seasonal mood swings too - Winter being the worst. I face this every year, but it's just a little extra hard this year because of all the weirdness in our life right now. Thanks for the encouragement though! :) And you're welcome.

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