Abounding Joys

Wednesday, March 12, 2014


It's been said that there is a time in everyone's life that they realize they have a real purpose, that their lives and what they do with them each day matter. If there is anyway to be on the complete opposite side of the spectrum from that, I think I'm there. This year is a year of stepping out of our comfort zones, pursuing dreams, and facing big changes for our family. I went into this journey holding my hands out saying 'take it, take us, take the anxiety and worry and unknowns and do something beautiful because only you can' and I've slowly crept my way back to fists clenched around the unknowns, worry awaking me at night, and an air of sadness around us, guilt at what I'm not doing, not able to do on my own. I've been in this place before and I know how much is asked of a person when they're in these shoes. We've handed our life together over to the One who created, the One who blessed us with each other, and are being stretched and changed. We're asking for the desire to give up control because it doesn't come naturally. There is nothing in us that wants to face these changes, to put the comfortable life we had behind us and head for the city. There is nothing in us that makes us stronger than the next person or any more brave. We ask for courage because our bodies and minds are tired. We're just ready to rest. We're ready to be home, but we're being taken care of and for that, we don't have to ask to feel grateful because we really, truly are. We have food and we have clothing and we have shelter and we have each other - beyond that, I thought we had little else, but I awoke to abounding joys all around us this morning. They're all around and they're free, but at a high cost to our worldly possessions and desires, our materialism and self-gratification.

This weekend we all went on a little road trip together to see if we could find an apartment. Alex had drill three of the four days we were there, so much of it was left up to me. It was just Ev and I running through the city and hopping on and off the subway for two days. I made phone call after phone call, trying to harden myself against the people who blew me off and put on a brave face for those who thought they could swindle me. I've dealt with feelings of anxiety and fear for a long time and I've written about it here just a little, but this was one of the hardest things I've had to do, one of the hardest ways I've ever stepped out of my comfort zone. I feel like a wimp saying that, but apartment hunting in New York City is no joke. I managed to find something kind of perfect though. It's in a safe area, below our price range, roomy enough for the three of us, and so much more. I put in an application and put down a deposit on Saturday, but we haven't heard anything yet, so we wait and pray. The requirements for apartments in the city are pretty strict and we really aren't the best candidates as far as income goes - most places require that you make forty times the monthly rent in a year. Regardless of that, we know our path so far has been made easy and we hope that this won't be any different.

This nomadic life is wearing on us, it feels like it's tearing us down, but we have faith in a God that called us to a journey that he will see through to the end and hope in a future being spent in the city we love, in a little apartment that will feel like home. The emotions I've been facing have been interesting - I've never been homesick for two places at once, one that was never supposed to become home, but very much did and the other, a place I've never called home, at least not yet. Our lives feel like they're at a stand still. We're in limbo and it's hard to go on with life as it was when you know more change is just around the corner. But wow, do we look forward to this change. We've been working towards this change for years, imagining a life in Brooklyn - the day that we stand in our first apartment, keys in hand, will be a monumental one. I've dreamt of that day for so long, I'm sure I'll wake up the next morning at a loss for emotions. This next step, moving to Brooklyn, it's an important one, a life-changing one - I can feel it. This is where we will grow as a family, where I'll grow as a woman, where Alex will walk across the stage to receive a diploma that all three of us have sacrificed for, where dreams will be found and molded and come true, where the majority of Ev's childhood memories will come from. It's a special city all on its own, but soon it will be our special city.

1 comments:

  1. As long as you are with your family anywhere you go you will always feel at home. It's not about the place actually, it's the people around you.

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