WANDERING

Monday, May 19, 2014


When I was young and in love with this city and a boy who I never imagined would end up my husband, much less living this dream with me, my mind was obsessed with what it would feel like to come home to New York City for the first time. Before we packed up our lives in a little box on wheels and traipsed across the country, I had been here a total of three times. I've never really believed in love at first sight except for the ability to love or not love this city upon first meeting. This city isn't a place you grow to love - you're either infatuated or not. Alex had been here once, three months before we left Albuquerque. Typing that out makes me realize how ludicrous that sounds, but it always felt right. I like to think NYC has a knack for that, guiding people in who are meant to be here. I'm convinced that fate calls New York City home. You can feel it when you wander the streets. I feel like things must be better in this city, like all you have to do is whisper your hopes and dreams up past the skyscrapers and over the rivers and the city gives you little glimpses of beauty to help you along your way. 

I feel the need to write about what it was actually like coming home to this city for the first time. We came across the Verrazano Bridge and drifted off to the right, following signs for 92 Street - not 92nd - the sign says 92. As we pulled up to a red light, ready to turn onto our street, I just laughed to myself in disbelief and looked out the passenger side window at Brooklyn, the Brooklyn. Alex looked at me with tired eyes and a grin spread across his face. Laughing for no other reason than exhaustion, he took a break to ask me what I was laughing about. I took a moment to think of the right words and couldn't - 'this, this isn't the way I imagined it would be.' He asked what was different. I motioned to Evie in the back seat, 'Well she wasn't supposed to be here and I never really thought it would be you in that seat.' He looked forward and drove through the light, stopping again after moving just a few feet. 'Is that ok? Are you disappointed?' I smiled, 'Not at all.' I hung onto this dream for a long time, carried it around with me everywhere I went through many seasons of life and just as I was ready to let it go and make peace with it never happening, the stars aligned. Here I am and the waiting was more productive than I thought - I get to share this with them.

I never really knew why I wanted to be here or what I would do when I finally made it here, but I did know I wanted to wander. It was almost like that's all that was calling me here - the ability to endlessly wander. I haven't even had a chance to walk through Manhattan much, which is where I always imagined I would wander, and I'm satisfied. I can walk the same street every day just a few blocks from our house and I feel like I accomplished something life changing. Beauty saturates this place, but not in the most obvious of ways, which makes the snippets of beauty all the more important for me to savor. So this is the beginning of a series, a seed that I've held in my pocket for years and man, it feels good to finally take it out and put it in the ground. 

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