DEAR BABY

Wednesday, November 19, 2014


This was a letter I was never sure I would get the chance to write. Your Papa and I went over it all in our minds, the pros and cons of having an only child, never coming to a conclusion. Once the decision was made for us - we were at peace, accepting. It made all the sense in the world to have another baby, to raise another child. You felt right.

If I'm at all honest, I had thought that if this ever happened by accident I would be in a panic. I thought I would be full of doubts, worry, fear, but what I've really been full of is joy. When I stood and told your Papa, I couldn't help but smile big and he couldn't help but do the same as he learned of you. I didn't even have to tell your sister. She started poking her round toddler belly out and saying, 'Wook! I have a baby in here, Mama!' When I told her that I truly did have you in my belly, her whole face lit up. Papa explained to her, as her feet dangled off the kitchen counter, that you would grow big in there and then you would come out and we would have two babies. She squealed and grit her teeth and clenched her fists together in excitement. Since then, she checks in on you now and then. 'Baby still in der?' she'll say. I'll ask her to lay on my chest in the mornings and she'll say, 'No, I'll squish the baby!'

We weren't expecting to learn of you, so I wasn't sure how far along I was. We went in for an ultrasound, fully knowing what to expect and I was blown away. Even after doing this once, I was in awe that my body could make another baby. We watched as you kicked and rolled and wiggled. We listened to your heartbeat and just as it was with Ev, I wished I could have had longer. They say those ultrasounds are twenty to thirty minutes long, but it always feels like five to me. I always want more time.

Since then, I've held those ultrasound pictures a million times trying to see something else that might not have been there before, trying to know you just a little more than is possible. We're all talking about you a lot unintentionally - a lot of conversations start with 'when the baby gets here.' Ev likes to talk about 'when I a big sistah.' I've been making a list of the things we need before you get here to keep my mind busy. Papa is just hoping we'll have a home by the time you come and that something military-related doesn't come up that will cause him to miss the birth. Though there are things that we'd like to fall into place before you come, we're all ready to meet you. I'll say the same thing to you as I did in a letter I wrote to your sister when I was pregnant with her - we don't have a lot. In fact, we barely have anything these days, but we're rich in the important things. We're rich in love.

I lifted up my shirt to show Ev my belly a few days ago and she exclaimed, 'It's getting biggah! Maybe the baby will come out soon?' Where I once had so many doubts, they're all overshadowed by the joy that you've already brought to our family. I won't lie, I'm a little intimidated at the thought of having two kids to care for everyday, but from already having one I know that the joy always makes it worth it. You are just a huge mystery to us so far. We're all baffled as to whether you're a boy or girl and go back and forth between saying 'he' and 'she.' A large part of me couldn't imagine having a boy, but the other part of me would love that experience. Either way, you will be loved. You are already so very loved.

1 comments:

  1. Such a sweet post! And isn't it amazing the way kids pick up on a baby in the tummy and become obsessed. I love it. It is even more fun at their first meeting :)

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